I don't want to

The ritual

Every day, every night
the same ritual with new noise
without scent, flavor or texture
only its blind idols.
I can't find a way to explain
to this box of illusions
that I don't need any new desires

I can hear them every night
their voices invade my dreams
without permission or excuses
they begin their nocturnal attack
and I can feel them gnawing at my bones
It keeps showing me everything I am not
I can only scream "I don't want to!"
This stupid TV set doesn't understand:
I don't need a new soul

I couple of weeks ago, someone made a comment to me (why don't you dress more femenine? or something along those lines). I am not exactly "girly", I don't wear make up, always take comfort over fashion, hate wearing clothes that look like everyone else's, I practiced martial arts instead of ballet,and yes, I'm allergic to pink (well, not really, I just don't like it). Suffice it to say that I heard a lot of "well-intentioned" criticism while I was growing up: "You should be more feminine", "you're wearing THAT???", "...but you're a girl!!"... you get the picture.So, when this person made that comment a couple of weeks ago, it brought back a lot of "memories" and reminded me of all the bombardment women are subjected to every day, since they get their first Barbie doll (I love Barbie, by the way). We are expected to look, behave and talk a certain way because we're girls, even if we don't want to.

It took me many years to be able to talk back to the world and our culture, but now I am able to feel comfortable enough in my own skin and when the world or advertisers try to make me feel inadequate asking me "why don't you...(insert you favorite cliche here)?" I can answer, politely and confidently: "Because I don't want to".

If you look at the painting up close you can read phrases I've heard my whole life (you're too tall, too fat, too smart, too loud, why don't you get lipo?, you should wear more make up, etc., etc). I wrote them in "waves", because they feel like waves knocking me out. I also wrote my response over the years (I don't want to go crazy like that, I don't want to be judged by you, I don't want to be like you) and on the right hand side it says "I don't need a new soul", because sometimes the world just makes me feel like I should change the very essence of who I am to please it, but I don't want to.

This was a very liberating piece to paint!